Satire: Campus to host first ever Pimp My Skunk Festival

Tyler Palicia

I’m sure everyone is familiar with the once-popular MTV show “Pimp My Ride,” in which contestants allowed mechanics to transform their broken-down cars into bizarre automotive masterpieces.

In the spirit of “Pimp My Ride,” Washington and Lee will be the first institution of higher learning in the United States to offer the Pimp My Skunk Festival. This program will involve two weeks of skunk-based activities that will ultimately culminate in one grand festival, where judges will determine which Washington and Lee student is sporting the “pimpest” skunk.

Wondering how to get involved? Track down your favorite campus skunk, then snare it, tame it and pimp it. Each contestant will enter the competition by presenting one tamed and one trained skunk to a sponsoring faculty member of their choice by October 25. Once your skunk is approved, you will have two weeks to decorate and accessorize it. As of this weekend, the university book store will  sell colored beads, skunk manicure tools, skunk dye in paints of all colors, jewelry (to give your skunk some extra flash) and skunk footwear. A sophomore student has agreed to perform skunk piercings. You can even bedazzle your skunk. Remember, folks: it isn’t a turquoise-colored genetic anomaly scurrying about campus — it’s just a skunk that someone painted!

The University Store is currently selling a fashionable line of skunk attire that you can use to pimp your skunk ahead of all the rest. My personal favorite is the Business Casual Skunk Suit, but there has also been an overwhelmingly positive response among the student body to the Skunk Chef. A popular runner-up is the Sassy Skunk, and how about the adorable Science Skunk, an outfit that includes a small lab coat and real chemicals.

A local tailor will personally customize any of these outfits to the specific dimensions of your striped companion. You’ll be jealous of your skunk’s closet after you shop this clothing line! An extended merch lineup including five additional mystery outfits will be dropping on the University Website this Friday. Impress your friends and family members from back home by posting photos of your well-dressed skunk, and don’t forget to hashtag #MyPimpedSkunk.

A recent statement has been issued by one of the deans, advising students to keep their skunks on leashes at all times. The last thing we need here are wild skunks freely roaming the campus and terrorizing people. Keep in mind that some facilities are off-limits to skunk transport and storage. Be advised, if your skunk gets loose then you are solely responsible for its recapture. Do not bother Public Safety with a skunk hunt.

Skunk training sessions will commence on October 28 and conclude onto November 8. These sessions will be held on the quad during weekdays, from 4:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m. Who doesn’t want a skunk that performs sweet tricks, like opening doors and hopping up onto beds? A local, unlicensed pet trainer will be leading these training sessions.

The first ever Washington and Lee Skunk Olympics will be held at the Ruins on November 8. The event will commence at 2:00 p.m. and last until 8:00 p.m. Bring your skunk for a fun-filled afternoon of games, athletic competition, friendship and barbecue.

The following day, Saturday, November 9, the university will be hosting the first ever Pimp My Skunk Festival, in which yet-determined faculty members will meet in the amphitheater and cast votes to determine who has the “pimpest” skunk. Invite your friends and family members to this historic occasion. Each skunk will be rated on posture, presentation, outfit, design, and, of course, pimpness. The winning skunk will be released onto back campus to live a long and healthy life.

Catch your skunk now while supplies last!