Unfortunately, journalistic inquiry often leads the harbinger of truth to be the carrier for bad news. I find myself burdened by this thankless duty in my present circumstance. It is a tragedy to some and a conspiracy to others, but however you perceive it, you must admit that it is an inconvenience: there is a drastic shortage of forks in the dining hall.

We are all familiar with this utensil and most of us even grew up using them. According to Wikipedia, archaeological findings have uncovered crude two-pronged forks dating back to the Bronze Age Ouija culture, over four thousand years ago. These artifacts are honored pieces of antiquity and are meant to be displayed in the world’s most well-funded and popular museums.

We all must admit, whether your fork was cast in bronze, iron, steel or carved from oak, this instrument is invaluable to all basic meals. There is no way to properly stress the importance of the fork, although I have tried. I am a rather green student—I have only been on campus for a few weeks as a freshman. But even in my first days here it was brought to my attention that there was something rather peculiar about the fork supply in the cafeteria. As I investigated further, I came face to face with the shady forces that exist on this campus. These malign entities attempted to pressure me into dropping this story. They told me that the story would lead me down dark corridors of this school’s history that best lay uncovered, and indeed it has.

There is a deep state working within this institution to keep forks out of the cafeteria, and these people will stop at nothing to achieve that goal. They are hell-bent on our suffering and even wish to divide us by forcing us to fight over the limited supply of forks that you might find if you arrive early enough for meals. I saw an old lady choking on a beef wellington the other day because she was attempting to consume it with just a spoon and a knife, and as someone who holds the safety of our elderly population in high regard, that is where I draw the line. This situation is nothing less than a public health crisis.

I recently spoke to a student who alleged that there is an ongoing conspiracy among the art students to collect the forks and weld them together to erect a grand effigy in honor of the pagan deity, Vin Diesel. This individual went on to allege that these feral art students were planning non-government sanctioned animal sacrifices and bloodlettings at the altar of this fork idol. I would never suggest that the art students at this time-honored institution would be up to such a task of debauchery and possible satanism, but neither would I rule it out, and God knows those forks are going somewhere. Whether the art students are planning secret pagan rituals at the expense of our cafeteria fork supply or someone simply forgot to order enough forks for the fall semester, I am sure my detailed investigation has only scratched the surface of this veiled mystery.

Another student alleged that the forks were being melted down and gilded by an underground cult that has existed in Lexington for close to three hundred years. This cloaked organization, possibly founded by George Washington, calls itself the “Lex X’s.” These degenerates supposedly hold allegiance to absolutely no cause other than filling their own pockets.

They are reducing our forks to boiling magma and casting them into Spanish doubloon molds, painting them yellow and selling these coins using various black-market channels throughout the country. Apparently, there is a robust market for fake Spanish doubloons in the Outer Banks of Virginia, as well as in the Florida Keys.

The third theory is one that I find particularly compelling, and unlike the former theories, it is entirely plausible. I regret to say that Washington and Lee University may have gone broke. I must preface this by saying that we overuse forks. We drop them, bend them, throw them, and submit them to various other forms of abuse. The knives and spoons are not on the front lines of this cruel system as the forks are.

An institution such as Washington and Lee would never leverage fork funds to save money, would it? It is up to the leadership at this school to answer the question, and I expect we shall be hearing back on this issue soon after this article is made public. The sad truth is that no matter how financially stable any institution is, some stickler in horn-rimmed glasses with a plaid pocket square will always try to cut funds somewhere. I suspect that that every cent used to pay for the gym renovations is being skimmed off the top of our fork funds.

This is not far-fetched, either; there have been various reports from students throughout the campus that an unmarked truck pulls up behind Commons at approximately 5:11 a.m. every Saturday morning to pick up a mysterious package, which I would surmise to be the smoking gun of this fork disappearance caper. I find this theory particularly distasteful and the thought of it fills me with self-righteous indignation. But it wouldn’t surprise me at all if every word of it was true.

A major issue that I feel obliged to address is the fork apologist lobby. These people have no regard for our fork supply and would like to see it dwindle the same way that big oil companies would like to see the ice caps melt into the sea. Do not trust them when they make outrageous and unfounded claims that suggest there is no hint of a fork shortage at this school. Because you know it isn’t true. Loudly proclaim to these zealots: Show me one fork for every five spoons!

Remember, it is imperative to each of these alleged clandestine operations that the student body turns on itself. They want you to be suspicious of our RAs, professors, roommates (who are probably involved), teammates and just about every other person you cross paths with in the once peaceful town of Lexington. Of course, it is plausible that any student or faculty member that you come across of is entangled in this web of deceit, but unlikely. Surely, by simply holding fast to my journalistic integrity and reporting on this scandal, I invite the scorn many cynics who will accuse me of acting as a covert media insurgent for one of these groups.

They will either claim that I have manufactured this crisis or even worse, that I am attempting to put out a story rife with disinformation in the name of satire in order to stir the student body and faculty members into a state of frenzied panic over a problem that may or may not even exist, or is in fact easily solvable. But wouldn’t that be outrageous and entirely pseudo-journalistic? I scoff at such truth deniers and would go as far to suggest that such doubters are connected to the putrid heart of the scandal itself. It is crucial that we stick together now and rise to defend not just the forks but all silverware against this unseen enemy, lest we be forced by our own lackadaisical procrastination to fight the battle for the rest of our time here.

There are dark forces at work, and until this sordid mess is cleaned up, I am afraid that we will all continue to suffer the effects of fork inadequacy. Remember, I am unbiased and honorable and nothing I say here is false, only alleged. But in my opinion, whether your preferred fork has two prongs, three prongs or four prongs, you should care deeply about this issue and if you are part of the fork apologist lobby then you should go and…well, I suppose you are entitled to your opinion.