I appeal to the right-wing pundits from above to deliver us from this hellish chasm of liberal depravity!

A recent Breitbart News article does just that. The unjustly maligned article states: “Washington and Lee University in Lexington, Virginia, is offering a course entitled “How to Overthrow the State,” which includes encouraging students to engage in “producing a Manifesto,” and “writing a persuasive essay on rewriting history and confronting memory.”

The article is accompanied by an image of a blazing inferno superimposed by a shadowy, masked figure thrusting a rebellious fist to the heavens. In the interests of journalistic integrity, I must point out that this might very well be a picture of myself near the end of any number of sordid evenings at Windfall.

The article quotes a popular right-wing skin tag off the late David Koch’s posterior known as Charlie Kirk, the founder of Turning Point USA. To those who aren’t familiar with their grandparents’ Facebook feeds, Turning Point USA is a corporately funded organization that seeks to spread conservative beliefs amongst college students. The group behaves like herpes in a number of ways; but instead of infiltrating a university and giving every-one rashes, it instills the students with a firm belief in free market capitalism. It’s called a “Turning Point outbreak,” and you know your school has had one when people start quoting Ben Shapiro on the quad.

Kirk’s statement to Breitbart News takes a reactionary approach: “This is a prime example of the intellectual rot that has infected the academy in America. The Trump administration should investigate and determine if this is the type of scholarship federal funds should be used to subsidize.” I’m always glad to hear a small government/free speech advocate propose the use of federal needling to enforce a university’s curriculum.

As a God-fearing, apple-pie-loving American, I side with Kirk and Breitbart. I think that these stooges should allocate more of their time to dragging the liberal hellscape that is Washington and Lee. Besides, it fills their coffers while protecting our youth from the liberal dangers of education. This is why I have gone through the trouble of checking through the Washington and Lee course offerings in the hope of exposing other radical left-wing classes. Unless you are a complete “libtard,” the following will shock and disturb you:

Anarchy 101: How to Burn Crap!

Architecture 234: Gulag Construction. How to build a greener prison camp for political dissidents in the post-revolutionary world.

Art 234: Iconoclasm on Canvas. How to portray your future Maoist dictator in a Godly light.

Art 301: Street Art. An introduction into the subversive nature of white suburbanites who vandalize black-owned private businesses in the name of social justice.

Chemistry 101: Fireworks Cancelled. How the 4th of July appropriated the formula 2KNO3+S+3C→K2S+N2+3CO2(2) from the 7th century Tang Dynasty.

Chemistry 113: Chem Laboratory. How to make a better incendiary device that we CERTAINLY DON’T RECOMMEND you use in the proletariat uprising (which is imminent, so be prepared!).

Cooking 234: The Vegan Chef. How to stir the pot (and smoke it!).

Economic Cooking 229 (interdepartmental): A Pricey Meal Done Cheap. Once you have killed them, how to spice, sautee, and eat the rich.

Economics 100: Communism Finally Done Right. How to install a communist regime in line with the true teachings of Marx.

Engineering 101: TIMBER! A comprehensive course on toppling even the most structurally sound monuments.

English Lit 211: Putting the Western Canon on Notice. Reading the Little Red Book, censoring 1984 and burning Bibles.

History 101: US History and Eliminating the Four Olds. A class on how to rid the country of Baseball, Republicans, James Woods and the National Anthem.

Journalism 301: Can I get a YAAAASQUEEN!? Oh my GOD, finally a class onchanging the freaking world through political Instagram stories!

Linguistics 100: Language that Triggers. Unlocking the layers of bourgeois contempt in terms like “upperclassmen” and “underclassmen.” We will also delve into the dark history of over 5,000 other microaggressions that currently exist in the jargon of Western education.

Math 101: Brackets on Notice. In this class we will focus on how brackets train our minds to put [people] in boxes.

Math 102: “It looks like a…” We will explore the misogynistic implications of phallic mathematical signs and numerals i.e. <, =, 3

Math 201: Analytical Geometry. How men use angles to objectify women.

Music 185: Appropriation in Rock n’ Roll. In this class we will travel to Graceland to dig up and desecrate the corpse of Elvis Presley.

Philosophy 241: The Profound Mind. An introduction into the philosophical meditations of CNN anchor Don Lemon.

Physical Education 101: Aerobic molotov cocktail throwing.

Physics 212: Isaac Newton Cancelled. How the law of gravity is designed to keep you down.

I hope it’s now obvious why Charlie Kirk is right to encourage Washington and Lee to abandon the joys of intelligence and free-thinking for the sake of political tribalism. Universities should never encourage their students to experiment with abstract concepts that could subject their minds to rigor. You won’t ever catch the likes of Charlie Kirk challenging his own mental faculties, so at least he isn’t a hypocrite in that regard.

Perhaps right-wing media hack-jobs can start their own university with classes like: English Lit 101: “This is Orwellian.” How to endlessly compare all things that the left does to 1984 even though you’ve never read the book.

I am thankful to Breitbart for serving such a vital journalistic role: reminding us that the principal function of the university is to train students to retreat into a childish state where certain ideas are off limits. We would be helplessly adrift on a sea of nuance without such champions of freedom to anchor us to the shores of ideology.

Once we achieve the authoritarian mindset that our detractors envision, I invite other political media hacks to reevaluate our virtues. For now, I am personally ashamed that Washington and Lee University should entertain a class based on government overthrow. After all, armed rebellion is an exclusively left-wing idea that betrays the values of this school’s namesakes.

I apologize if I failed to adequately communicate my thoughts. After all, I did take a writing seminar at Washington and Lee University.