In light of a recent spike in COVID-19 cases across campus, the school store has commissioned a new line of PPE (Personal Protective Equipment) devices.

The CDC warns that these cutting-edge medical products are meant to supplement — NOT REPLACE — your current mask.

Many of the brightest young minds at John Hopkins School of Medicine spent countless hours of research and testing to design these devices. They took a daring new approach to an old problem: instead of blocking your exposure to infectious agents, this new equipment will ensure that you never come into contact with the virus in the first place.

“How do they do it?” you might ask. The answer is simple: By scaring, alienating, and intimidating any human being that may come near.

While most of these PPE’s are universally practical, notice that some are designed for specific activities that many of us take part in on a daily basis.

• Coffee mug that reads: “Ask me about my dead husband.”
• Mayo socks: Just add a squirt of mayo into each sock before you leave your room every day!
• Festering roadkill in a black trash bag: For dates.
• A self-help book entitled An Introduction into the Speech and Behavioral Patterns of New York Mayor Bill De Blasio: Master his Style and Instantly Repel Everyone in your Midst: The book will not be out for another month. They tell me this is a working title.
• A “My cats are my children” bumper sticker: For personal growth.
• Prescription swim goggles: To be worn nowhere near a body of water.
• Black velcro shoes that light up when you walk.
• An ankle tracker: Comes with a sign that reads: “I’m not a pedophile, I just sold drugs.”
• An open-carry firearm: For eating out.
• A ponytail wig with an NPR hat: For going home to conservative relatives.
• Shirt with the following acronym:
  • (F)emale
  • (B)ody
  • (I)nspector
• A Columbo-esque trench coat: Meant to be worn with short-shorts, plastic slippers, and long white socks.
• A portable electric fence: Set it up to guard yourself in public areas like restaurants, parks, and classes. The challenge is persuading people to put on the shock collars.
• Jehovah’s Witness traveling pamphlet case.
• Long, flowing cape: For the night.
• A Shopping cart: To yield the best results, you should ask anyone who approaches to push you around in it.
• A crying baby: For enclosed spaces filled with people. Ex. Churches, funerals, graduations, airplanes, movie theaters, etc.
• Notebook of prepared political diatribes from the single uncles of America: For birthday parties, cookouts, and game nights.
• A SeaWorld t-shirt depicting a dead, bloated whale: For five bucks extra we can crop you in posing with a harpoon!
• Prosthetic mole with real horsehair: A part of Revlon’s new cosmetic line.
• Taxidermied house cat that you will take everywhere. Its name is Snuffles.
• An Info Wars beach towel.
• An ascot and cigarette holder: For parties.
• “The only corona proof measure for navigating a crowded room of people!” – Robert R. Redfield, Director of the CDC