This message is directed at a small cohort of my peers. 

Step 1: If you plan on emailing the entire school, make sure you don’t sound insane. If you are insane (which seems to be the case for many of you), don’t email the entire school.

Step 2: If someone emails something to the entire school that you don’t like, don’t use “reply all” to vent your petty grievances. Refer back to Step 1 for further clarification.

Step 3: To avoid replying to everyone on the email chain, click on the first curved arrow directly to the right of the thumbs-up icon at the top-right corner of the email box. To reply to everyone on the chain… oh never mind, that’s never ever necessary.

Step 4: If someone clearly emailed the entire school by mistake, don’t abuse “reply all” to publicly harass and humiliate them. It actually doesn’t make people want to agree with you when you behave like an unsympathetic bully. Even if you believe (“you believe” are keywords here, so pay very close attention) that you are on the right side of the argument, still no one will like you. 

So next time you find yourself on the verge of firing off a “reply all” email in hopes of destroying one of your classmates, try any of these cool alternatives instead: take food to the nurses, abandon your family, steal from the nurses, call a hotline, break quarantine, see a professional, make peace between Antifa and the Proud Boys, introduce your grandparents to QAnon, develop a bizarre kink, search for Thomas Pynchon, overthrow the U.S. government, etc. 

I don’t care what you do, as long as the rest of us aren’t forced to be members of your audience. 

If you take anything away from this message, let it be this valuable little nugget of information: You are all just Karens of a different generation and with different haircuts — not activists. Now get out there, send your emails and try to be a little less insufferable to those around you each day. Or don’t; it’s only a suggestion.

Epilogue: Don’t publicly call for the abolishment of Greek Life when you know very well that we have repeatedly seen you at the parties. Did the horrifying injustices of the Greek system make you sick, or was it the gallons of our cheap beer you guzzled down for free? I just want fairness and transparency here, folks; that’s all. If my tone sounds a bit caustic, it’s because I don’t believe that many of you are even being honest with yourselves, and that upsets me.