Last weekend, I watched the recently released “Godzilla vs. Kong,” and it was exactly what I expected. I’m still suffering from CGI sickness. It was really bad. 

You may be thinking: “Well this guy’s obviously a snob. He should have known what he was getting into… a little ape-on-lizard action. What did he expect from a blockbuster with such a title, surely not Goodfellas?” Yes, maybe I am a snob, but I’m also right.

And yes, I realize that this movie was made for mindless, base-level entertainment (something I believe it accomplished) and that it’s completely unfair of me to harshly analyze it. But I’m going to go ahead and do that anyway, because I’ve grown to hate the vapid form that the Hollywood blockbuster has devolved into. 

The plot sucked. I’m confident in this assertion even though I gave up on paying attention after the first 20 minutes. I seem to recall something about a conspiracy theorist trying to expose the government for covering up the existence of Godzilla and Kong. Seemed like an odd protagonist to pick in the era of QAnon, but maybe he can sic Godzilla on the Capitol in the next one. 

I’ll give the bad story a pass however, because I realize that plot isn’t exactly the draw for this type of film.

None of the characters gave me anything to cling to, so by the end it would have been fine if Kong had flung a tractor-trailer-sized chunk of feces in their direction and called it a day. These characters were so flatly written that I can’t even fault the actors for their bland performances. 

Coach Taylor from “Friday Night Lights” was in there, constantly grinning — whether or not it was at all appropriate for the tone of the scene. One of the 37 Skarsgard actors was also involved, because apparently that’s the law now in Hollywood. Eleven from “Stranger Things” was in there as well, and I’m pretty sure it was just so they could advertise her name on the poster. 

But I can also give the characters a pass, because the only characters that really matter are the chimp and the iguana.

On that note, the only obvious reason to watch this movie is for the fight scenes, which begs the question: why make a movie at all? None of the fight scenes need to exist within the structure of a plot, so why not just make those sequences on their own and release them as shorts? The answer is simple: money. Now I’ve got nothing against a little commercial enterprise, but this goes so far in that direction that it’s downright pornographic.

Call me a snob again, but maybe I just don’t love movies enough to force myself to appreciate this total bastardization of two cinematic dynasties. It is my view that these constant remakes and revivals are nothing more than signs of a dying culture. Is there anything new anymore? We’re like a child that doesn’t want to grow up and accept that his old toys are going to the attic.

With that being said, I did appreciate the gigantic robot Godzilla. I admired the film for embracing its own stupidity. I also enjoyed the part when Godzilla shot a flaming hole through the Earth’s core only for Kong to jump through it into space.

The movie didn’t have to be terrible, but its creators failed to add any fresh elements to either of the titular characters. Expect all the usual crap — wow, Kong is actually a sympathetic beast with more humanity than the corrupt government forces and exploitative businessmen who attempt to benefit from his confinement! What a banger plot twist… at least in 1933. 

If you are dating someone and they ask you to watch this film with them, end that relationship immediately. If your friends watch this movie and recommend it to you, then at least you’ll know you are better than them. 

Not to be that guy (but I am that guy): remember when they made blockbusters like “Jaws” and “The Lord of the Rings”? Damn… they should make some movies like that again.

If you’re an adult, don’t watch this movie. If you are a child with any perceivable hint of intelligence, also don’t watch this movie. If there are young people in your life who beg you to let them see this film, go ahead and show them. But don’t sue director Adam Wingard when they grow up to become degenerates. Show them the original “King Kong” movie and I promise they’ll go to Harvard. 

You think I’m overreacting? I will frame some sort of minor crime — something punishable by a roughly six to 18 year sentence — on the friend who showed me this movie, and even that won’t be nearly enough to compensate for my suffering. 

“Godzilla vs. Kong” was the most unnecessary thing I’ve witnessed on screen since “Ant Man 2.” The overall experience of watching this $200 million pile of reptile crap was somehow even more disturbing than the time I was catching rays at Virginia Beach and saw a man emerge from the ocean after losing his ear (sliced clean off) to the fin of his own surfboard. At least that experience was a lot less boring. 

Still wondering who won the battle? Neither. Godzilla and Kong fall in love at the onset of the third act and in the closing shot we find the two lovers passionately making out amidst the ruins of the metropolis.