This exposé resulted from months of deep investigation into Washington and Lee’s co-op (commonly referred to by freaks as Café 77). The investigation required me to interview countless witnesses, to go undercover as an employ-ee, and to stand up against constant intimidation tactics by the school (such as countless emails demanding that I pay several “overdue” fines). On many occasions I feared for my life, and I even had to eat the sushi.

In other words, I fully embedded my-self into one of the most corrupt institutions at this school in order to spill all its dirty secrets. This is what I found out.

Chances are you have a different experience dining at co-op than the elites do. That’s right, there is a corrupt tier system in place that prevents the average person from accessing all of co-op’s services. The bottom tier (roughly 90% of the student body) is what is referred to as “Butt-Scum.” If you’ve ever wondered why the person three spots behind you in line who ordered an entire meal got all of their food before you received your measly chicken tenders, then you’re probably Butt-Scum.

The second level is composed of just 9% of the students at this school. Members of this prestigious group are known as the “Non-Expendables,” as opposed to all you Butt-Scum out there. These are the people who get the fresh fruit, not that moldy crap the rest of you animals eat. Members of this level simply have to flash their golden IDs to gain access to a selection of premier fruit freshly flown in from Galapagos each morning.

Members of this caste are entirely composed of students who have taken Pov-101. The hypocrisy is glaring. They literally collect the moldy fruit that isn’t eaten each day and throw it at the homeless (whom they tastelessly refer to as their “homies without homes” whenever non Pov-101 students aren’t around).

And the third, most exclusive lev-el is reserved for the true elite of this institution. I shudder to imagine what will become of me after I make this shocking revelation that will surely up-end the way anyone who reads this will view co-op, their fellow student body members and the entire infrastructure of Washington and Lee as a whole.

At least if anything happens to me after the publication of this article, every-one will know who is responsible. Here it is: a student-run Christian organization at this university known as RUF is using co-op as a front for an illegal drug ring. I stumbled upon this revelation one day while working undercover during exam week when I witnessed several of RUF’s members ordering the “extra Columbian dark roast with five scoops of sugar.”

Well, there’s the plain and unvarnished truth. Do with it what you’d like. I only hope nothing mysterious and horrible happens to me now. Ha ha ha…

Note: Since I know there will be cynics who will doubt the validity of my claims, I want to make it clear that I never at any point allowed the fact that the wings I ordered at co-op last week were – I believe – intentionally over smothered in hot sauce to sway my journalistic integrity while conducting this long and tireless investigation.